


Breathing

by jamsiesir (everything)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), POV Sirius Black, Suicidal Thoughts, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:49:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24808810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everything/pseuds/jamsiesir
Summary: There are times in which Sirius can’t breathe.He doesn’t know why and how it happens, but he just isn’t able to: something seems to cross his mind and he stops laughing and his throat burns, his lungs hurt and the laughter that he forces out of his mouth is fake.
Kudos: 18





	Breathing

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** The characters aren't mine.

There are times in which Sirius can’t breathe.

He doesn’t know why and how it happens, but he just isn’t able to. One of the first times it happens, Sirius is with Remus, James and Peter, joking around, making fun of yet another one of James’ attempt to woo Evans - he doesn’t know why but something seems to cross his mind and he stops laughing and his throat burns, his lungs hurt and the laughter that he forces out of his mouth is fake.

One Wednesday, after a prank, it happens again: they’re in their dorm, laughing and struggling for breath after what has looked like the run of their lives.

«It was close» James gasps, rolling on the floor. «It’s a luck that Filch seems to get slower with every passing year.»

Remus snorts from his bed - the only Marauder that actually thought of falling on a soft mattress than an hard pavement. «That’s because we get quicker.»

«I was bloody afraid we would get caught» says Peter from his place across Sirius and he laughs again.

«You can always turn into a rat - you’d be quicker that way» Remus suggests, eyebrow raised as he looks at Sirius, who just can’t stop laughing.

He can - but. His eyes burn, his throat hurt and his lugs seem empty: something has flashed through his mind and Sirius feels like dying - he puts his face into his hands as he forces the giggles out. James puffs, amused and Sirius finds himself at the end of a _Aguamenti_ that makes him dripping with water.

He glares jokingly at Prongs. «You seemed like you needed to cool down» is James’ excuse.

Faking laughter has kind of become an habit weeks later. He doesn’t know whether or not the others have noticed, but he doesn’t really care - not when he has found out _what_ are the things that make him react like this.

 _Good for nothing_ his mother’s voice says as he has just enchanted his quill to dance and swear during History of Magic.

 _Shame of the house of my fathers_ as he laughs in a broom closet after a successful prank on the Slytherins.

 _I should just get rid of your revolting being_ as the four of them play exploding snaps.

There are days when the words chase each other in his head, making him stare at the bathroom mirror, looking at himself as if he can’t recognise the boy who is looking right back at him. One of his hands finds his throat as he presses lightly ( _I should put you out of your misery, make you stop stain my blood with traitors and mudbloods_ ) - he really doesn’t want to hear that wretched voice in his head any longer. Sirius closes his eyes, feeling his eyelids tremble and stays like that for a moment - listening to the words, trying not to give a damn about them.

Then he hears the bathroom door opening, Remus’ sleepy voice asking _are you done, Pads?_ and he starts laughing as his stomach churns up.

There is a time in which Sirius fakes and fakes and fakes until he can’t do it anymore,

His laugh slowly turns into a series of sobs and his shoulders are shaking, and it’s not just his lungs that feel empty but his entire body. Walburga’s voice has quietly become his own and he doesn’t really know if it is because of him being locked in Grimmauld Place or if it’s thanks to the twelve years in Azkaban. Buckbeak nudges him, as if trying to comfort him but Sirius can’t actually stop. He feels pathetic, lousy, like his entire existence is void of any sense.

Then he hears the door open, feels someone bow at the hippogriff and take a seat on the floor beside him. Sirius doesn’t need to be a Seer to know that it is Remus, hugging him with one arm, letting him cry it our without saying a word. Sirius finds himself turning toward him, sinking his face into his shoulder, not even trying to breath as he weeps.

It’s just after Sirius has calmed down that Remus actually speaks - his voice low, his mouth pressed against his forehead.

«It’s tomorrow» he reminds him. «We’ll bring Harry here tomorrow.»

And Sirius is crying again - but this time he actually _breaths_.


End file.
